Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Words Can Either Harm or Heal ~ an excerpt from Divorced & Scared No More by Tasher & Tony Haynes

Divorced & Scared No More! Emotional Support for the Newly Divorced

Have you experienced Divorce? Are you questioning what your future will be after your vows of "I do" turn into "I do not" along with the loss of all the dreams that never will be fulfilled? Divorced and Scared No More: Emotional Support for the Newly Divorced is the first installment of the three-part trilogy written to assist readers in post-divorce related matters while providing you the motivation you need to move on.

Author Tasher speaks from personal experience; having gone through the many stages of relationships. This includes denial of a failed marriage, expressiveness needed to gain healing and how to remain emotionally grounded. You'll find ways to embrace your new found freedom and turn the lemons life threw at you into a Zesty Lemon Sorbet!

Therapist and clinical author Justin Nutt, LSCSW, LAC consulted as a technical advisor for the series. Insuring everything presented be accurate and quality material while still being a comforting, easy-to-read guide to surviving divorce.

Co-Author Tony Haynes is a practitioner of Acrostic Poetry -poetry where the first, last or other letters in a line spell out a particular word or phrase. At the end of each chapter, you can look forward to reading a clever poem from words found within the word DIVORCE. These are poetic thoughts that ask "How did I get here?" This rite of passage has everything to do with life and our stories affects each other because we are all connected. Now it's time to peek inside and see how, where & why our lives intersect.

There are so many insightful topics in the book, which will help you feel inspired to look inward and become aware of your needs to help you live again. There is still life after emotional death ... Isn't it time for you to be happily divorced and Divorced and Scared NO More?

Read the excerpt:
The words we say and hear can build us up or tear us down. The right words can even help you heal. During your divorce, you probably exchanged harsh remarks with your ex. The old saying “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me” is utterly false. Not only do the words we say affect us deeply, sticks do not hurt very much at all. When was the last time you got a broken bone from a stick? On the other hand, the words you hear or say can stay in your mind for a very long time. The emotional pain from hurtful words usually lasts much longer than it takes for any bruise or broken bone to heal. 
Guard yourself from harmful words, especially the ones you say to yourself. If you don’t want it to be your future, don’t say it. This means don’t think it silently in your head, either. There is no such thing as a “silent” thought. When you hear yourself say something negative in your head, tell yourself out loud, “That’s just old bad baggage I missed when cleaning the ex out of the house.” Of course, we will all have our vulnerable areas, but use words to build your self‑esteem instead of fostering a long-term belief in an untruth. 
You can’t un-ring a bell, and you can’t prevent what others say to you. You can, however, choose what you believe. When you hear someone say something critical or derogatory to you or about you, there’s no need to allow the words into your life. You decide what your truth is, not them. Why react to untruths? Choose the truthful uplifting words, not the bad words that have no place in your life. 
If you struggle with this, now would be a great time to sit down and make a list of ten positive statements about yourself. Whenever anyone compliments you, add his or her comments to your list, citing who said it, along with the date. Keep your list handy and read your list whenever someone says unkind words to you or you have an unkind thought about yourself. In the latter case, repeat the positive statement as often as you need to so that you believe it and erase the negative opinion. 
Every time you speak to others, try to use positive words. By building others up, you will start building yourself up. You will become a positive and happier person. You will see more color in the world, not just the black and grey you may be feeling. Anytime you think something positive, say it. You never know; you might just make someone else’s day. Being kind will certainly never hurt you. 
When you hear bad things said about you or to you, do not let them get you down. Very often when people say and do unkind things, it is because they are insecure about themselves and their lives or actions. In order to make themselves feel better, some people choose to belittle others because they believe this will make them superior people, or at least feel like superior people. There are also people who project their undesirable feelings onto someone else instead of dealing with those feelings themselves. Remember the old saying, “When you are pointing at someone, there are three more fingers pointing back at you.” Other people may say negative things because they are sad and unhappy. Then there are people who are just bad people, and bad people say and do bad things. Reconsider their place in your life right now. Finally, there are people who were never taught good manners. 
When people say bad things, it is always more a reflection of them than it is of you. Happy people usually do not resort to saying or doing things that harm others. They typically prefer to stay positive and say and do uplifting things for others. If someone’s comment bothers you, take a moment and think; is there any part of what they said that’s true? Is there something you would like to change? If it bothers you and there is something you can do about it, take action.
Most often, however, you need to treat these comments and bad words like a foreign language you must seize and translate in your head. Here are a few of examples how to translate what someone says to you; hopefully you will start coming up with your own very soon. 
If someone says to you, “You’re not pretty, young, or sexy enough for me,” translate it to, “You are so comfortable with yourself. I wish I could find that feeling of tranquility inside me.” How about “You’re just dumb”? Translated, it becomes, “I wish I could see the wonder of the world through your eyes.” You can make “You are fat and eat too much” become “What a person! Defying society and eating the way one wants to. I wish I had the courage to tell this person how exceedingly proud I am of her for defying social conventions.” 
You are in charge of the translations; it is time to make yourself the shining star of every comment made. You deserve it! Translating negative comments can even become your own secret language. We all deserve a language filled with special words we truly believe in and live by. 
Now that you have learned to translate (and how easy was that? It took me four years to learn a little French, but this is a snap!), give your response to the negative commenter in your head as you walk away. You really do not need to waste your breath and words on people who say and do these things to you. So hold your head high and for an extra little kick put one of the “If you only knew what I am thinking” kind of smiles on your face. It will drive the other person crazy because you are not giving them the reaction they wanted. 
Do not allow criticism, self-doubt, or some other weight around the neck to bring you down. I would like to say you are a beautiful strong person and I believe in you. 
The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
—Proverbs 15:4 (NIV)

Available in Paperback

Also available as an ebook and scared no more&index=aps&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=xm2&linkId=a9ba771030e312aaff83a969191bcdf5

There are four giveaways for this book. Enter them here:

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About Tasher 

Tasher was divorced on her 26th wedding anniversary, and she embarked on a new life. Her marriage was broken all to pieces, she was not going to let the divorce break her. Tasher quickly discovered that single life was very different from all those years ago. Like many, she initially was scared. Yet she was determined to become Divorce and Scared NO More!

Despite her dyslexia, she decided to share with others things she learned while rebuilding her life. The launch of quickly received a worldwide following. The logo was inspired by a set of broken pilot wings. No two people will have identical situations, hopefully the DASNM series will assist others with the least amount of trepidation, during this difficult transition.

Tasher is not a professional therapist, rather she is sharing because she has "been there and done that" understanding how it FEELS. Therapist and clinical author Justin Nutt LSCSW, LAC consults as her technical advisor. Insuring everything presented be accurate and quality material while still being a comforting, easy-to-read guide to surviving divorce.

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